I remember the first time I saw the cover of the book
Twilight. The deep, pristine thoughts in my 11-year-old head were: "Oh hey a book with hands holding an apple. That's weird. Maybe it's about apples." When it first became famous, I was in 6th grade. Since
my class had about twice as many girls as boys, there was a lot of hype floating around the newly teenaged population. Everyone was claiming it was the "BEST BOOK IN THE WORLD OMG" and I was all, I must stay interesting and rebel against the mainstream (my teaching since birth)! But now, my friends, I am old and mature and, yes, a 9TH GRADER, so I decided to read it and actually see if it's good! Needless to say....... it kind of wasn't.
The whole thing starts with Bella Swan going to live with her dad for some reason I didn't pay attention to, and everything's rainy and blah blah blah. Some characteristics you need to know about Bella: she's kind of pretty, 18, and
really really clumsy. She can't even walk properly without tripping over someones face. At this point I was like, okay, not that bad. Then she sees *
EDWARD* and she's all, "Oooh when can I get a piece of that???" I understand this reaction. Totally cool. But
then, it soon transpires that Bella is a total weakling and faints and almost gets ran over and almost gets raped, but then her hot, strong vampire man comes and saves her! She can't save herself, oh no, she's much too weak and feminine for that. Edward has to tell her what to do and then everything will be fine.
Honestly?!?!? That pissed me off to no end. This whole "damsel in distress" shit is absolutely ridiculous. Now, let's play a fun little game where Bella Swan is actually Kathleen Hana in disguise. What would Kathleen Hanna do if she was almost raped by some creepy guys in a dark alleyway? She would probably write a song about it with some really intense lyrics, so that other almost-rape victims can relate to her story. Also she might make a zine and pass it out to girls in her high school, advising them to be strong and independent and take some self-defense classes.
The first book ended with Edward and Bella making out
again and her telling him she wants to be a vampire. Then I got to the second book. Everything's going cool with Edward but then, oh no, he totally dumps her in a forest and tells her he never wants to see her again. And then she goes INSANE and doesn't sleep or eat for months. This also makes me angry. She's completely dependent on this one person, and then when he leaves, she just
cannot function. She doesn't even try. He's the total center of her life, which is really unhealthy and stupid. She has a life! She has friends and a family, but once again, without him she is weak and lost and can't think. Then things take a turn for the better, and she meets Jacob, this happy, nice guy (who also happens to be a werewolf). She starts to feel fulfilled. She loves him, but not obsessively. They start riding their motorcycles. But this one time she goes too fast, she hears Edward's voice in her head, warning her! So then she purposely looks for things that will probably kill her just to hear his imaginary voice in her head. Finally, things go too far when she jumps off a cliff in a desperate attempt to hear his voice. Then she's like, "Actually, suicide isn't such a bad idea." (Would Kathleen do this? Nope.)
I won't even go through the other two books because they are just as bad. Although I will give any of you girls reading this some advice: if you decide to have sex with a vampire, make sure he's wearing a condom, or else you'll become pregnant and have to drink blood. Just saying.
(And for those of you who do like Twilight, that's totally cool. I get why you do like it and I will not think badly of you. I respect opinions! Because I am a mature and grown adult!)
Now I'm going to treat you all to a little booklet my absolutely brilliant friend Alice made that gives a better overview of the whole series.
